I'm still not really sure how this happened so quickly, but that's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. Oh how I wish I could truly share the details. But for now, I think it would be wise to keep that under wraps.
But heck, this is my outlet for self-expression and I just can't stay entirely silent anymore.
You know my recent post about The Battle for Balance? Well, what I'm feeling right now is tied into that notion. I'm thinking about trade-offs. I'm thinking, is the trade off between my professional life and my mommy life fair? I guess that's really what it all boils down to.
I just discovered that a friend of mine has a blog. (I would love to link to it, but I'd rather get her permission first.) This is a friend who is a little farther down the mommy path than I am, since she has two kids. One is right around preschool age, and one is leaving babyhood for toddlerhood. This friend is an enormously talented and hardworking woman who left her career to pursue the fine art of mommyhood. And she has questions about that. She has questions about whether having her kids spend all of their time with her is wise, or best for them developmentally.
Now, I say this because in many ways I've felt I have the best of both worlds -- a career I enjoy, a good amount of time with my husband and son, and relatively minimal daycare costs. I know Kellan loves the interaction with other kids at "school." But would I feel the same way as my friend if I put mommyhood entirely on the front burner and the career at the back? Still -- at what point does the cost of juggling professional and mommy life outweigh the payoffs?
I know the ultimate decision on where to go next is something I alone have to wrestle with....along with Michael's immensely insightful and understanding input, of course. But I know I'm not the first mom to struggle with this. Part of me just wishes the answer would fall out of the sky into my lap and end the misery of this internal struggle.
I struggle with this concept daily. On days when my kids are sick, or things aren't going well - I long to be with them, question my mothering abilities, and wonder what the heck I am doing. On days that are good - when the kids love going to "playcare" and my job is rewarding - I tell myself "yes, this is the right thing." I don't think I will ever know the "right" answer. You have to go with your gut. I quit my professional career as a public accountant to stay at home with the kids. At first is was really good, but then I longed for the social stimulation and mental challenges, and have ultimately gone back to working full-time. My husband thinks I am a happier "working mom" and in turn, my children are happier. But let me tell you, I am right there with you... not a moment goes by that I question this decision. You'll know what's right for you!
ReplyDeleteYou know...I just don't think there is a perfect answer for women. It's so freaking hard to know what is best. I would still be working right now if the answer hadn't fallen out of the sky and into my lap last year. It was the year from hell for me and everything I did felt soooo wrong. It wasn't until I finally gave in and let myself let go of "my program" so that I could focus more on other things. It was hard. Really hard. Hard until about December of this year to go back to the school and know that I wasn't the choir teacher any more and that I would be forgotten and out of the loop on what was going on. But sewhappyJane and the other things I've been able to do this year never would have happened for me if I hadn't quit.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what is right for you, you're right. It's ultimately up to the universe...so you never know. The answer just *might* fall into your lap. I always have to remind myself to just listen and be open to what needs to happen next.
You're right. You're both right. There is no one answer. That's what makes the whole issue so darn complicated.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your perspectives. Hearing from both of you truly does help.
I'm trying to remind myself that as difficult as all this is, there is a reason that it's happening. It's telling me one thing -- that there is something wonderful waiting for me on the other side of this struggle. There has to be. Otherwise it wouldn't be this agonizing.
Hi Shannon! It's Julie Dickson (married name Kanouse!). I saw your blog on Danielle's website and when I clicked over saw this post, it felt like something I would have written myself. I'd like to tell you that I have the answers and have it all figured out but I don't think anyone does!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that has seemed to help me through all of it is finding other people that can relate. I follow a blog called "Work It, Mom!". It's for working moms and it had a great post just the other day that touches on this topic: http://www.workitmom.com/bloggers/workitmom/2009/02/05/replacing-mommy-guilt-with-separation-anxiety/. Also, I'm in Chicago and there is a parenting "association" that I'm a part of that does lots of things but one of the key ones is that it has different social groups. One of them is for working moms and we meet for lunch every once in a while to talk about the trade-offs, the good, the bad, etc. I've found that just talking about it and hearing other people's perspectives helps - it helps to cement your position one way or the other.
A good friend of mine was a working mom for the past year and attended the lunches with me. Being around other working moms that were happy with their decision, she realized she really wasn't. She was doing a good job of justifying it and faking it but, by talking it through with others, found out that she really didn't fit the mold. Conversely, I've had friends that "knew" all their lives they wanted to stay home with their kids. However, once they were in it, it didn't work for them and they seemed to realize it the most when they were with other stay-at-home moms who were really content with their choice and they just didn't feel the same way.
Good luck!!! I think you are right that good things await you - whatever direction you decide to go!
Good luck with your struggles (I think I spelled that wrong!) I know it's a tough decision but that whatever you decide, it will work out for the best. You just have to have a little faith...which I know you do and so do I! I'm here for you if you need me!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Meg