It's baaaack....

The croup has returned. 

Michael noted some wheeziness in Kellan last night, and amazingly, he slept peacefully until about 7 am. Then Kellan's honking cough woke me up -- that sound which sends a lightning bolt of dread and anxiety into my heart. 

Oh, how I hate croup. It is a nasty and insidious ailment. And I know I may be in for another night of half-sleeping/half-stressing on the floor next to his bed, listening to each labored wheeze, in and out...in and out. 

This time, however, I am not going to mess around. I'm sure the doctor will suggest an in-office dose of Decadron (a steroid that helps reduce the inflammation of the airways) and this time -- I'm going to say okay. Last time, the doctor (a fill-in doc, not our regular pediatrician) thought it was perfectly reasonable NOT to administer the Decadron based on the mildness of his symptoms, and two nights later, we ended up in the ER at 4 in the morning. Not this time, I say.

Party planning for a rock star

It's a pretty daunting task, planning a rockstar-quality party. Kellan turns TWO a week from today, and his party is Sunday afternoon. The clock is ticking! 

So far, I have loose plans to make a guitar cake, hopefully looking somewhat like the one pictured above. I know -- wish me luck. We're also going to get the karaoke machine out -- whoo hoo! But that's really all I have going at this point. I guess I should figure out some party snacks, but I really don't have to do a lot since we're just having immediate family and our good next door neighbor friends over.

I'm sure Kellan will be completely thrilled that we'll have a real mic for him to show off his singing skills. And as long as the Birthday Boy is happy, that's all that matters, right?

We're bananas for banana pancakes

Mmm...don't you just want to dig your fork into those?

We had a double dose of pancakes this weekend -- on Saturday, Banana Oatmeal, and today -- Peanut Butter Pancakes.

Last year, I posted about how much we Rayguns love pancakes and included links to both the banana and peanut butter versions. But I now think I've made some key changes to the Banana Oatmeal Pancake recipe and I want to preserve it for posterity. 

And, may I note, this is a wonderful way to use up an overripe banana or two, without the hassle of baking banana bread.

Shan's Banana Oatmeal Pancakes

• 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
• 1/3 cup wheat germ or ground flaxseed meal
• 1/3 cup quick-cooking oats
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs
• 1 1/2 cups milk (vanilla soy milk also works great)
• 1 ripe banana, peeled and mashed
• 3 tablespoons honey or maple syrup (I usually use honey since I only buy real maple syrup and it's expensive!)
• 1 tablespoon canola oil, plus more for the skillet

1. In a large bowl, stir together flour, wheat germ, oats, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. (To save time in the morning, you can mix this up the night before!)
2. In a bowl, lightly beat the eggs. Add milk, mashed banana, honey (or maple syrup) and 1 tablespoon canola oil and whisk thoroughly.
3. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Lightly grease with canola oil. You know the rest!

We had the best banana pancakes EVER during our honeymoon in Kauai. They were great because there were whole slices cooked into the cakes. I have not been able to recreate that at home, because my slices got scorched. Maybe I should try again. Anyway, if you think you could pull such a technique off, I think that would make these pancakes fantastic.

But as the recipe is written, they're pretty fantastic anyway. Take a look at the evidence:

And guess what else -- you don't actually need eggs for this recipe! I think eggs make the pancakes richer, but I forgot to buy more at the store on Friday, so I found a website that offers some good egg substitutes -- quick fixes you probably already have in your pantry.

Happy pancaking! 

Rockin' out

Is there any doubt this kid NEEDS a rockin' birthday to celebrate the two glorious years he's been in our lives?  A kid with that much stage presence in the kitchen deserves as much.

Notice him checking himself out in the reflection of the dishwasher. And in case you were wondering, that's a wooden spoon serving as his "microphone."

During this short clip, Kellan is working out the choruses from two different U2 songs -- "Elevation" and "City of Blinding Lights."

 The plans for his guitar birthday cake are underway....shhh! Don't tell him! It's a surprise!!!

Problem solved! Thanks to a wine cork

We have a black cabinet in our family room that houses a bunch of Kellan's toys. It certainly isn't an expensive piece of furniture, but it looks nice, and that's good enough for me. But because it leans toward the cheap side, the constant opening and closing of one particular door started to take a toll on the knob. It just won't stay attached to the screw anymore, so anytime you go to open it, the knob pops off and a sharp little screw pokes out.

Obviously, we can't have that sharp little screw poking out because Kellan could very easily hurt himself. And I ran out of time to get it fixed before I went to bed Sunday night.

My solution? Take a look:

Yup, a wine cork. It screwed on easily and fits the bill of doorknob/screw protector until I can get the real knob fixed. 

I feel a little weird about my 2 year old having to use a wine cork to open his toy cabinet. But I guess that's better than him suffering from a screw-related injury. 

My new favorite "blog"

You know how I love a good typo? Well, I also happen to love "unnecessary" quotation marks. And guess what -- there's a blog all about them.

"Yay!"

I added it to the Raygun blog roll, so it's there if you ever need to "refer" to it.

The road ahead... and the most random post of my life

How did I get so lucky?

That's the thought rattling around in my rattled head at the moment. 

I suppose, to be more specific, I am blessed.

I have a beautiful little family. I have a home. I have what I need to have a comfortable life. I have friends. Amazing friends.

Over the past 36 hours or so, it has become crystal clear to me that I know some pretty incredible people. People who are supporting and loving and allowing me to fall apart a little right now. People who are willing to hold the fragile little pieces of my heart for me until I'm ready to stitch them back together with the thread of a new dream. 

This kind of support is immeasurable. It is a true gift. Thank you.

So how did my day go today? In a word, it was foggy. As in head fog. Probably from all the wine and tissues I went through last night. But you know what, that's okay. One thing about fog is, it has to lift sooner or later.

And as I went through the day, I kept thinking...I've got to write down some of the random bits about this day. Here are a few of them:

1. Kellan finally napped for an hour and a half today. Which means I did too. Which made us very late for daycare.
2. Our lateness at daycare prompted a comment from Kellan's teacher, to the effect of, I was wondering what you do at work all day. Do you really have to be there all day and just sit there? I made some comment about how I actually write all day. And then I got the hell out of there. Didn't want anything about my personal work/life crisis to accidentally spill out.
3. I drank PediaLyte. And it was kinda good.
4. I burned the *%#! out of my finger while reheating some coffee in the microwave. Didn't use a microwave-approved mug. The blister is very large and white. Ick.
5. I redeemed a free coffee drink coupon.
6. I listened to a tutorial on how to use DirecTV. We don't have DirecTV, mind you. But now my next-door-neighbor does. And I was there at the culmination of the day-long installation process, and thus, know everything a person would need to know about someone else's home entertainment system.
7. I found Enzo's missing dog tag. Sort of. Someone else found it and hung it from my mailbox in a white envelope, which detailed where they found it two weeks ago.
8. I lied to the neighbor across the street. I responded, "Great!! How are you doing?" when he asked how I am. I was glad he was all the way across the street and likely couldn't see the extreme puffiness of my eyes.
9. I ate cold mac n' cheese right out of the pot. And I ate it with the giant serving spoon that I had used to dish some onto Kellan's plate.
10. I laughed my a** off at a video entitled "Kittens inspired by kittens."

I also cried some more. Not a lot, but a little. And I went on a short walk with Enzo, my cell phone, my iPod and my camera and I wondered if I should take it as some sort of sign that the batteries on all three devices were nearly dead.

Oh, and we all had pancakes and eggs for dinner at IHOP. 

Without a doubt -- the road ahead is uncharted territory for me. But it's a path I'm meant to take and I'm ready.

I'm ready.

And so it begins

Well, my friends...here it is. The beginning of the grand re-definition of who I am. (Insert deep breath here.)

My employer and I have just come to the conclusion that going forward with the arrangement we have now is not working. And the alternatives aren't all that palatable to either of us. So, as they say, this is it.

What now? Good question. Here's what I have on tap so far:


It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon, and I've got the wine and tissues at the ready. Yes, I am heeding the advice of two separate friends and proceeding to cry. And drink. And cry some more.

My mom is on her way over, Kellan is with Mike's parents, and Mike is swamped at work. Hey, somebody's got to earn the bread around here.

That said, I'm not exactly done with my job at this moment. There is going to be what could be a long and painful goodbye. Or it could be a long and happy goodbye. Who knows. All I know is, it's time to start pondering a new beginning. 

Thoughts? Advice? Warnings about what NOT to do? I'd love to hear any and all. 

I'm here all night, folks....wine and tissues at the ready.

A conversation over breakfast

Kellan has discovered the joy of stringing several words together in a sentence, which continues to amaze me. 

One of the cutest things I think I've heard him say lately is, "My birf-day. Coming up. Sky." How exactly he thinks his birthday is coming up in the sky, I'm not sure... I guess if something is "up" that would lead you to believe it's in the sky. I suppose that makes sense.

I've been thinking I need to write more of this stuff down. And as it turns out, we had a pretty nice conversation over breakfast this morning. So I started typing away. Here's what was said -- complete with translations.

My beckfass fanich.  

That means "my breakfast sandwich."

Me. Dest-knee. Pawty. Cuddle.  

That's in reference to the party we went to over the weekend, during which Kellan cuddled his new friend, Destenee.

Mommy's why-tin.  

I hadn't even realized he knows what writing means.

Fix my arm. Ice. Mimi, my ice out. Zachree. Bit my arm. Zachree. Bite my arm.

This is in reference to an "incident" at daycare yesterday, during which Kellan got bit on the arm for not giving up a truck to another boy. Mimi, his teacher, got some ice out of the freezer and put it on the bite mark. The best part of all is that during these "incidents", parents are never told the name of the offending child -- per daycare policy. But now Kellan is old enough to tell me himself. Ha! If I ever come across that kid in a dark alley...

My elbow. Mommy's elbow.

We had no issues with our elbows this morning. Sometimes Kellan just likes to point them out.

One, two, fee....bam, bam, bam, bam...

This is how I know Kellan's about to start singing. He usually begins with a 'one, two, three,' just like a rock and roll drummer.

Me: "Mommy needs some coffee. Mommy needs to wake up. I'm tired." 

Wake up, Mommy!

This is where the typing stopped and the caffeine loading began.

Awww....

Kellan found himself a new friend on Saturday. Maybe it had something to do with it being Valentine's Day. I guess love was in the air.

He really hit it off with Destenee at the Retirement/Birthday party we attended over the weekend. And Kellan had no problem with Destenee hauling him all over the place.

Almost every time I turned around, the two of them were just happily sitting together. 

By the end of the party, it seemed Kellan had no intention of going anywhere. In fact, I'm not even sure how I managed to tear the two of them apart without a big fuss.

Kellan is usually a wiggle worm when he sits on my lap these days. I'm going to have to ask Destenee how she managed to charm him into sitting so still.

The Family Uniform

If you don't own these items, you're not part of the club:

1. Black, ribbed turtleneck sweater
2. Olive, v-neck sweater
3. Jeans

Note: I wish I had the photo to prove it, but each one of them walked out the door of this party in a black leather jacket. No joke.

Happy Valentine's Day

(Pictured: Kellan's valentine for Daddy and a Floating Hearts Mobile)

Wishing you a day of love and hugs!!!

XOXO

How I know I've officially entered Mommyhood

I think a lot of things in life kinda creep up on you. Like, one day you're just plodding along and you realize....hey, where did the time go? For example. I can't quite get my head around the fact that Michael and I didn't just go to Puerto Vallarta a couple years ago. No, that celebration of our one year wedding anniversary was almost 6 years ago. Wow.

I think with Kellan's second birthday just around the corner (I know, right? Two, already??) I'm especially prone to having these moments. And here's what's been on my mind lately, besides all the holy cow he's such a big kid moments. It is clearly evident from everything around me that I am firmly entrenched in Mommyhood.

I don't know why I'm surprised by this. I mean, you'd think this would be obvious to someone with a toddler. But sometimes I look around and think, wow, my life has changed.

Mommyhood fact #1:

I can almost sense -- down to the second -- when Sesame Street, Clifford the Big Red Dog or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse will come on the TV. 

I also know exactly how much time each one of these shows will afford me in kid distraction. And when I need more time than the cartoons can afford, I pop in a U2 DVD. I'm raising a future rockstar here. His education should begin now.

Mommyhood fact #2:

I can't sleep without the soft fuzz of a baby monitor in the background.

The other night, I got all ready for bed and had a nagging feeling that I'd forgotten to do something. Then it hit me -- I left the baby monitor in the kitchen. Once I retrieved it and placed it next to the bed, I was out like a light.

Mommyhood fact #3:

I no longer have a purse. I have a BAG. 

I began my life as a mommy with what I considered to be a medium-sized diaper bag and a small, fabric bag made by my friend Lindsay. I liked the fabric purse because I could shove it in my diaper bag if need be, and it wouldn't take up too much space.

Fast forward to now. The diaper bag often gets left in the car. But never wanting to be caught unprepared, my gigantic BAG is filled with my usual purse items (wallet, cell phone, keys, lip gloss) and:

1. A diaper or two
   
2. Several child-sized cups of Kix cereal and crackers
   
3. Wipes
   
4. Hand sanitizer
   
5. Coloring books
   
6. Crayons
   
7. A bib
   
8. Tissues
   
9. Small children's books
   
10. Random toys
    

Think I'm kidding? Check this out. This is an honest to goodness picture of what my BAG looked like at dinner tonight.

I just walked in and plopped it down -- there was no staging whatsoever. The items peeking out the top are a half-used packet of tissues, a diaper and two cups of toddler snacks. Yes, this is how I go about in the world now....with diapers hanging out for all to see.



I think it's pretty awesome that I often reach for my wallet and pull out a diaper. If only they were actual currency. I'd be freakin' rich.

Wheezing & Popping

The other night I was wasting some time on the computer when I heard a mysterious noise coming from the sofa area. I snuck over with the camera, and this is what I discovered:

Yikes! I never knew a person's sinuses could make that kind of a sound. Poor guy.

(Note: Video posted by permission of Michael. I know some of you may be thinking I'm a horrible wife to put this on here, but I swear! He thought it was funny and told me I should!!)

How the spell check tool falls short

Many thanks to those of you who are leaving such supportive and insightful comments for me during this time of personal turmoil! Your words are more helpful than I can even begin to explain. It just helps so much to know I'm not crazy, and I'm not alone in this struggle.

That said, it's time to lighten the mood a little bit around here.

Okay, class... today's lesson: why you should never rely on spell check alone to proofread your documents.

As I tried to drown my sorrows this past weekend, I took to reading the lovely wine bottle I was drinking from. (I wasn't drinking from the wine bottle, per se. I did use a wine glass. I wasn't that miserable.)

I found the front label to be quite visually appealing. As I was studying the horse figure and wondering if it is supposed to be a unicorn, I twirled the bottle around to read the description on the back. Thought maybe there'd be some insight there.

There wasn't. But guess what....I found a major error!  Take a look for yourself:

Maybe the winemaker was really trying to get his point across about how to pair the wine. But I'm guessing the writer didn't really read the finished product.

I think I am missing my calling as a copy editor. Sheesh, I'm a freak.

Editor's note: 

Yes! Danielle wins! (Her assessment is in the comments.) The label incorrectly reads "...they will find that the wine compliments many dishes from winter hearty stews and roasts to from winter hearty stews and roasts to summer grilled meats and barbeques." (emphasis added)

The same phrase was repeated twice!

But here's the real kicker: that's the incorrect usage of the word 'compliments.' It should say 'complements.'

From Dictionary.com: 

"Complement and compliment, though quite distinct in meaning, are sometimes confused because they are pronounced the same. As a noun, complement means "something that completes or brings to perfection" (The antique silver was a complement to the beautifully set table); used as a verb it means "to serve as a complement to." The noun compliment means "an expression or act of courtesy or praise" (They gave us a compliment on our beautifully set table), while the verb means "to pay a compliment to."

Yes, I am an total freak for stuff like this. In fact, I'm kind of embarrassing myself right now.

The Big Question

Ever come to a time in your life where you're just plain conflicted? Confused? Torn?

I'm still not really sure how this happened so quickly, but that's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. Oh how I wish I could truly share the details. But for now, I think it would be wise to keep that under wraps.

But heck, this is my outlet for self-expression and I just can't stay entirely silent anymore.

You know my recent post about The Battle for Balance? Well, what I'm feeling right now is tied into that notion. I'm thinking about trade-offs. I'm thinking, is the trade off between my professional life and my mommy life fair? I guess that's really what it all boils down to.

I just discovered that a friend of mine has a blog. (I would love to link to it, but I'd rather get her permission first.) This is a friend who is a little farther down the mommy path than I am, since she has two kids. One is right around preschool age, and one is leaving babyhood for toddlerhood. This friend is an enormously talented and hardworking woman who left her career to pursue the fine art of mommyhood. And she has questions about that. She has questions about whether having her kids spend all of their time with her is wise, or best for them developmentally. 

Now, I say this because in many ways I've felt I have the best of both worlds -- a career I enjoy, a good amount of time with my husband and son, and relatively minimal daycare costs. I know Kellan loves the interaction with other kids at "school." But would I feel the same way as my friend if I put mommyhood entirely on the front burner and the career at the back? Still -- at what point does the cost of juggling professional and mommy life outweigh the payoffs?

I know the ultimate decision on where to go next is something I alone have to wrestle with....along with Michael's immensely insightful and understanding input, of course. But I know I'm not the first mom to struggle with this. Part of me just wishes the answer would fall out of the sky into my lap and end the misery of this internal struggle.

Winter Carnival Wonderland

We're back!

I know the the fresh mountain air -- and sunshine -- in McCall did me a lot of good! Too bad it was so warm up there. The snow sculptures were dripping, and many of them lost parts due to the warm sun. We saw an adorable Candy Land, a "Sharlie" serpent, a medieval castle, and a lovely king and queen seated on thrones. Sadly, the poor queen had a crude replacement head because her elaborately carved one fell off. 

But the sculptures were still plenty impressive, and we all had a great time playing in the snow -- including Enzo. He loves getting a chance to let his mountain dog instinct come out. He burrowed, leaped, and wrestled leafless shrubs into submission. In fact, he made it nearly impossible to get this picture because he didn't sit still for much more than 5 seconds.

Isn't he handsome?

I need a breather

The last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I've had a lot going on at home, especially with Kellan being sick. Now it appears he has four teeth coming in, which means there's a lot more crying and fussing around here lately. And work....well, let's just say it has been intense.

So. I am trying to gather my wits. I need to recharge. That's my main mission for this weekend.

I really hope I'll have a little more clarity and focus by Monday. I'm anticipating another intense week at work.

That said, don't worry about me if you haven't heard from me for a little while. I'm okay. On the other hand, I may be blogging up a storm! My only rules right now are that I need to do whatever I can to ease my own load and blow off a little steam. 

And I'd also like to say THANK YOU to those of you who come here and let me know you're reading and you're with me. And thanks to those of you who just read. It means a lot to me, especially as I navigate what may be some challenging times ahead. 

Simple gratitude

I am so grateful today for one simple thing. Well, two simple things, I guess.

1. It only took 15 minutes to rock Kellan to sleep during naptime today.
2. His breathing is nothing more than a quiet rush of air, in and out...in and out.

It's amazing how much you can come to value something so basic. My nights last week were consumed by nervous energy, listening to each whistle and wheeze that passed through his mouth. I waited, and worried and wondered....does this breathing pattern warrant a trip to the hospital? Of course, early Thursday morning we did end up in the ER. Which I think I handled pretty well (I had some experience with the exact same scenario on Mother's Day last year) until the doctor used the phrases "may have to admit him to the observation unit" and "moderate to severe breathing difficulties."  I just couldn't hold the tears in at that point.

Now, of course, we're past all that. And I am overcome with gratitude for being able to watch my boy fall asleep -- silently -- in my arms.

Puppy Bowl 2009

Have you seen Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl? 

Now let me ask you this: have you ever seen a devoted Puppy Bowl fan?

I have.

Apparently, Kellan thinks the referee should have made a call when the puppies stepped in the water bowl.